A few days I was browsing the trusty Facebook, when I saw an ad pop up on the left hand side of the screen that caught my eye. “How to Catch a Man and Keep Him” was the title of the advertisement. I was so overjoyed to see that all the sophisticated ad marketing groups that Mark Zuckerburg has sold out to had pegged me so well that I clicked the link.
Basically, some asshole who thinks he’s god’s gift to women wrote a two-hundred-something page e-book graciously informing us clueless women how to catch us a man. I showed my friend, and we came up with our own strategy.
In order to catch a man an keep him, you must first get:
One large glass bowl
Full spectrum lightbulb
Plastic castle – so he feels like he has a home
Colored rocks
Looks like you wasted your time writing that book! The secrets are as plain as day.
One workplace problem that’s often hard to navigate is how to be taken seriously when you can’t help but ooze sex appeal out of every pore in your body. When sex is on the brain, men tend to experience some short-circuitry, which is manifested in ways such as hostility, indifference, or balls-out hitting on the person (with a whole new set of irrational behaviors if the advances are rejected).
But though I don’t know what it’s like inside the office for Lara Logan (maybe the real reason why her war stories are rejected are because editors are trying to get a rise out of her), she seems to have it all. She’s smart, she’s sexy, and she’s elevated herself to one of the highest ranks in the industry. But isn’t there just something about these kind of women that begs men to conquer them.
At one point during the interview, after Lara locks eyes intently with John Stuart, who is visibly flustered and undoubtedly turned on, he makes the comment: “I am glad to see you overcome your shyness.” I don’t think she ever indicated she was shy, and I’m fairly sure this isn’t one of those ‘pick up a girl on the sidewalk and see what she’s willing to do’ porns. But the way she took it in stride and was able to talk about what she thought was really important despite Stuart’s bad joke interjections and stupid attempts at flirting, adds to her power.
Then in this video about the Bush/Cheny claims that the war correspondents are giving biased coverage, she responds flawlessly, not allowing herself to be interrupted by the interviewer (who is clearly perturbed by this if his last comment is any indication). She knows what she’s doing and she exudes that confidence when she’s on the air.
While trying to find a watch alarm that senses your brain waves and wakes you up at the optimal time (they exist!), I stumbled across this goldmine of an idea on the ThinkGeek merchandise website. What better way to let a guy know he is not getting to third base than with a clever HTTP status code printed on your crotch?
I don’t think the makers of these informative garments should stop here when there are so many other status messages to be delivered. Going along with the theme, here are some of my ideas:
401 Unauthorized – Would make a good gift for jailbait.
402 Payment Required – For blooming entrepreneurs.
405 Method Not Allowed – For someone courting a guy who learned how to “please” a woman from bad porn.
417 Expectation Failed – I could wear these every day!
There is something so creepy and robotic behind the words in this title. If you learn computer programming, these are the words that title the first program you ever complete. It’s a simple program: input, output kinda thing. But it announces the presence of a robotic life force, an entity of your creation that will result in the dreaded endless loop if you put a bracket in the wrong place.
This website is about wanting the most cake, and I do. I want it all, and I don’t give a fuck.
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