New methods of husbandcide

Today, Reuter’s ran an article with this headline:

Woman kills husband with folding couch

This is why I love the Oddly Enough email edition. These writers can take the most gruesome unfortunate events and make me laugh out loud for 3 minutes straight while sitting in a Williamsburg internet cafe.

ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) – A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St Petersburg’s Channel Five said the man’s wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

Police refused to comment.

I am TOTALLY blowing my hipster image. I need to cry in a corner now to make up for this.

How to catch a man and keep him

A few days I was browsing the trusty Facebook, when I saw an ad pop up on the left hand side of the screen that caught my eye. “How to Catch a Man and Keep Him” was the title of the advertisement. I was so overjoyed to see that all the sophisticated ad marketing groups that Mark Zuckerburg has sold out to had pegged me so well that I clicked the link.

Basically, some asshole who thinks he’s god’s gift to women wrote a two-hundred-something page e-book graciously informing us clueless women how to catch us a man. I showed my friend, and we came up with our own strategy.

In order to catch a man an keep him, you must first get:

• One large glass bowl
• Full spectrum lightbulb
• Plastic castle – so he feels like he has a home
• Colored rocks

Looks like you wasted your time writing that book! The secrets are as plain as day.

Lara Logan definitely has cake

Lara Logan on The Daily Show

One workplace problem that’s often hard to navigate is how to be taken seriously when you can’t help but ooze sex appeal out of every pore in your body. When sex is on the brain, men tend to experience some short-circuitry, which is manifested in ways such as hostility, indifference, or balls-out hitting on the person (with a whole new set of irrational behaviors if the advances are rejected).

But though I don’t know what it’s like inside the office for Lara Logan (maybe the real reason why her war stories are rejected are because editors are trying to get a rise out of her), she seems to have it all. She’s smart, she’s sexy, and she’s elevated herself to one of the highest ranks in the industry. But isn’t there just something about these kind of women that begs men to conquer them.

At one point during the interview, after Lara locks eyes intently with John Stuart, who is visibly flustered and undoubtedly turned on, he makes the comment: “I am glad to see you overcome your shyness.” I don’t think she ever indicated she was shy, and I’m fairly sure this isn’t one of those ‘pick up a girl on the sidewalk and see what she’s willing to do’ porns. But the way she took it in stride and was able to talk about what she thought was really important despite Stuart’s bad joke interjections and stupid attempts at flirting, adds to her power.

Then in this video about the Bush/Cheny claims that the war correspondents are giving biased coverage, she responds flawlessly, not allowing herself to be interrupted by the interviewer (who is clearly perturbed by this if his last comment is any indication). She knows what she’s doing and she exudes that confidence when she’s on the air.

Lara Logan, you’ve definitely got some cake.

As long as we’re assigning DSM criteria to institutions…

Lola: I watched The Corporation tonight.

It’s a canadian documentary about  how if a corporation was a person it would be a stark fucking psychopath

Beached photog: If newspapers were people they’d be alcoholic smokers with an incest problem

Schizophrenia for normal people

Beached Photog: I thought for a while that i should be a hermit

Lola: dude me too!! beach hermit

Beached Photog: now i realize i would probably go out of my mind

Lola: nah, you’d adapt, befriend a lonely craw dad

Beached Photog: though it would be fun to have conversations with myself out loud without people giving me weird looks

Lola: It is. That’s kind of what blogging is

Cock blocking tech nerd style

 

While trying to find a watch alarm that senses your brain waves and wakes you up at the optimal time (they exist!), I stumbled across this goldmine of an idea on the ThinkGeek merchandise website. What better way to let a guy know he is not getting to third base than with a clever HTTP status code printed on your crotch?

I don’t think the makers of these informative garments should stop here when there are so many other status messages to be delivered. Going along with the theme, here are some of my ideas:

401 Unauthorized – Would make a good gift for jailbait.

402 Payment Required – For blooming entrepreneurs.

405 Method Not Allowed – For someone courting a guy who learned how to “please” a woman from bad porn.

417 Expectation Failed – I could wear these every day!

510 Not Extended – Then why is he even trying?

Hello world!

There is something so creepy and robotic behind the words in this title. If you learn computer programming, these are the words that title the first program you ever complete. It’s a simple program: input, output kinda thing. But it announces the presence of a robotic life force, an entity of your creation that will result in the dreaded endless loop if you put a bracket in the wrong place.

This website is about wanting the most cake, and I do. I want it all, and I don’t give a fuck.

Hello World.

-Lola